yap #2

sometimes i just wanna understand my own emotions. genuinely. 

i don’t want to make it seem as though i’m complaining when i’m just ranting. wait, is ranting considered to be complaining? whatever. tomayto tomahto. 

no one would take me seriously if i don’t take myself seriously, of course. 

i mean, no one will care if i randomly disappear. i mean, no one except mizan, ofc. if i just randomly disappear, change my phone number and phone model, change my identity and hide my location, no one will care. maybe they might even rejoice, i don’t know. all i can guess is that my mom would be happy i’m gone because that’s one less burden for her and she only has to care for kak nurul, kakak would probably be relieved that she doesn’t have to listen to me and my whims anymore, abang probably doesn’t need to care about reading the quran anymore, my ‘friends’ wouldn’t need to think about who to put me in when it comes to groups anymore, kuraz wouldn’t have to always be with me and be the one still interacting with me, heck, no one has to ridicule me in ways that are so subtle i wouldn’t be able to see it until i thought about it deeper and realise they’re just making fun of me. 

maybe i should just jump. it’s better that way. right?

maybe i should stop being a burden to everyone and a waste of space by offing myself with medicine. 

maybe i also want to know why is it that i keep feeling as if i’m a target for ridicule/jeering/all these… shenanigans. what was it that i do? i genuinely want to know. i genuinely wished i understood. there’s too many things, so many thoughts that’s going through my mind, so many possibilities that could’ve made my… whatever like this. tell me why. i’d rather have them say ‘i fucking hate you, stop talking to us, fuck off, you piss me off’ instead of dropping hints that always makes me second guess my interactions with everyone. 

i don’t belong here. 

i don’t fucking belong anywhere i go. not even in the house i was raised

billah… i’m so pathetic. so tired. so worthless. a really easy target for teasing that i couldn’t comprehend and is very sensitive to. to each their own, i guess. 

signed, qistina.