mental health. something everyone has placed an importance on since 2020. before this, we all think that someone who has depression and need to take meds/go therapy = crazy, when you’re actually not.
see now, i love to research and go down a rabbit hole when it comes to something interesting, which is why you see me having a bit too much knowledge about lgbtqia+ things, writing things, ships, and even random psychology things. it’s fun and games, to be fair.
until i suddenly found myself looking at things like mental health and actually relating to so many things.
literally.
i stumbled upon the topic of depression (and the types) when i was 11 thanks to fanfiction, but i only began to learn more about it when i was in sec 1. i don’t even remember how it started in the first place, just that i continued to be fascinated about it. being around friends who loved to add on the weight as you slide down doesn’t really help. i wouldn’t trade the experience for anything else, but istg…
then i realised that i have a lot of depression symptoms.
1. excessive sleeping
2. constant gloomy outlook of the world
3. mood swings
4. increased appetite/loss of appetite
5. suicidal ideation
6. self-harming tendencies
i could go on.
but i wouldn’t because this would bore more people and may trigger something like: “qisty this is normal what are you on about?” (cough) yes i am talking about a certain someone and my chats with them before my phone went completely silent except for ateez, stray kids, shopee and carousell updates.
or it may trigger something like “i’m not depressed because i’m always happy and smiling but i also experience these things?” news flash, you can be happy and depressed. just like how you can be depressed but clean at the same time. just like how you can be an introvert but still be loud. just like how you can be tired but energetic from adrenaline at the same time. everything in this world isn’t black or white, it’s a mixture of both that isn’t entirely grey.
not me just explaining why i’m not exactly the way i usually show. i mean technically yeah you can see that i’m a loner, but it’s not… exactly by will yk…
i see everyone already having groups of friends in a class that i didn’t think i would belong, and made it seem as though they’re friends for a really long time even though i know most of them are from this year. i see myself trying so hard to feel like i should belong in a class where connections have been made, but i couldn’t do it well enough. i see how i would be the last picked during projects or even anything with more than one person. and i don’t even know if you guys truly like me.
i don’t know if you guys truly like me or only using me because i’m a useful asshole or because i never made any effort to make you guys want to befriend me.
it’s tiring, to be fair, thinking about this for a long time that i figured it’s better if i just pretended it never bothered me, i guess. but it always did. it’s like, i’m always talked to like i’m a last resort from the start of the year up until two weeks ago. it’s like, i don’t even belong in this class, or with anyone.
i hate that feeling. the thing where you’d overthink too much about the interactions, but never find the reason why, and then you continue to think about it so much it turns into self-hatred so deep it latches onto your own anxiety and insecurities that you’ve tried to fight against ever since you started having suicidal ideation. to each their own, i guess…
signed, qistina.
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